My Name Fits me Perfectly 'ALWAYZ BLU'

In my Bipolar Support Group we have a journal section and I copied todays entry for here, here it goes:

Today,
I feel So BLUE I can't even begin to describe whats going on in my head, I feel like I'm never going to be good enough.
I feel like Total Shit, like the world is on my shouldeers and frankly it is..
The main Trigger for my saddness is Money Problems...its the one reason my marriage went down the Drain!
Lets see I only have a few hundred dollars and i have to pay my rent, lights, phone and NOW I need a new Washing Machine!! and Pretty soon my car is going to give out too and what will i do then?
I'm So STRESSED I can't even SEE Straight, no seriously i can't see good, i have a stress headache which makes my vision fuzzy..so i can't see straight!
Everyone here seems to CARE about me and I'm not use to that. I feel like if i give in to fate and die that I would disappoint everyone in my family and in group and that just makes me more depressed its like a never ending Cycle that just continues and continues forever and ever.
and this guy started talking to me online from his cell phone and then i mention i have kids and then he stops sending me messages...
WHY DOES HAVING KIDS make me so unattractive! I swear sometimes i feel like giving up my kids to their father. but then i would still be lonely lonely for them. Right now i'm lonely for male companionship.
But it seems in order to have Male Companionship I would basically have to not have my kids which is impossible b/c there is no turning back from them and I LOVE MY KIDS MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!!
and that makes me so depressed i hate being in a no-win situation either way i'm screwed!
Thats why i feel like going on "vacation from reality and this damn confusing world"...
Okay now i've takin up way to much time here..
so i'm gone for now...
i'll check in tomorrow and let you know how i feel.

What I did Today (so far)

4:30 am- Alarm Clock Went off- Hit the Snooze and went back to sleep.
5:15 am- Over Slept, Rushed up out of bed and Got Ready for work.
5:50 am- Clocked in at work.
6:00 am- Started working
6:10 am- Told my supervisor what happened the previous day regarding 2nd shift (i'll tell you later)
9:00 am- took a 10 minute break, used the bathroom, drank some water, sat down off my feet.
9:10 am- Inducted some products.
10:00 am- Clocked out, left work.
10:20 am- went to the grocery store, picked up some things i needed for lunch and dinner.
10:50 am- GOt home.
11:00 am- started washing dishes, laundry, mopped floor and vacummed.
11:54 am- Writing this Blog entry!


okay about the above that I said something happened at work here it goes.
at my job We pack products in boxes to be shipped, but first we have to scan them in on scanners
now there is two types of scanners, hand helds (i perfer) and ones you wear on your arm. Well Since we are working overtime, i decided to stay till 4:30, i was upstairs packing and the 2nd shift team leader came up to me and asked me if I didn't mind giving up my scanner, I SAID NO, she then proceeded to tell me that they have assigned scanners and that my shift was over and that i needed to give it up, i was reluctant b/c we get percentaged by our production and we can't fall below a certain level. I did give it up because either i was going to slap her or give in and I NEED my job so I gave in.
Then my team leader who happened to be working over as well, said they aren't allowed to do that. SO I talked to my supervisor today about all of this.

No Rant?

I Don't Have a Rant for today, maybe my meds have me so leveled out that I am no longer ANGRY at Anything in Particular...
*YAWN* i'm just really really tired from doing much of nothing all day at work.

Favorite Fast food

Sorry I know its been a few days.........I just had a Brain Fart!
Anyways!,
I'm sucking down my jamocha milkshake from Arby's!! Yumm they are so good.
I also had the jalapino bites and the chicken fingers, equally as tasty.
Arby's is my #1 in fast food
Favoli's being #2
and Subway being #3
and Wendy's being #4
and Chick-fil-a being #5


what is YOUR top 5 Favorite fast food places?send them via comments section......Thanks :)

Here is My Idea of

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey

Birthday party Blues

I'm Singing the birthday party blues,
I don't want to clean up the birthday party mess, my kids second birthday party was today. there birthday was last monday but we are just now having a party,
my mom is in the hospital with Pnemonia AGAIN, she was just in there 2 months ago for the same thing.
I have been trying to get ahold of my ex and his girlfriend, they left my house to go back to VA last Tuesday but I have yet to hear from them. I'm worried. :(

Word of the day

I've decided to have a word of the day....todays word is:

VAGRANCY

va·gran·cy n. pl., va·gran·cies. 1. a. The state of being a vagrant. b. The conduct or mode of existence of a vagrant. c. The offense of being a vagrant. 2. A wandering in mind or thought.

I'll use it in a sentence here it goes:

1) There is alot of Vagrancy going on in New York City and other Big Cities across the United States.

My Friday Five

If you...

1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve? Probably Italian

2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell? baby furniture and clothing

3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be? POETRY

4. ...ran a school, what would you teach? English Lit

5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it? Pop

Off Early Today....

and I won't be going in Tommorrow or Monday...There is a system upgrade taking place which means work has been stopped. Which means, when we get back on Tuesday we will be into overtime!
Thats okay though, I'm going to enjoy my little break for once.
hehe.

St. Patty's day Rant

Okay maybe I'm tottally dumb but I never understood the whole "wearing green or you get pinched" Scheme! and what age is too old to pinch? I mean i'm freakin' 25 years old and people still going around trying to pinch me, I tell them, you pinch me I'll punch you and they usually back off. Maybe I just don't see things like others do but i just never got it even when i was younger, i hardly ever wore green on St. Pattys day and always got pinched.
And whats the deal with Green Beer? Isn't Beer sick looking already being Pee Yellow, now for one day they want to go make it Green. I don't see a point in this but then again, i'm not Irish anyway, even tho. I have an Irish last name (thanks to my ex).

Panic Attack

Today I woke up with a panic attack, I don't quite know why but i had a bad one, i could barely breathe.
I knew my ex and his G/f was leaving today and i guess I was a little sad to see them go, we had so much fun while they were down and the kids really enjoyed it.
I made my Ex Tell our oldest, Dakota that he was leaving and that he would be back for his birthday in August. Dakota shook his head in agreement but i don't think he understood exactly what he ment at that time.
The whole way to work i was very sad, sad to see them go, it felt like a part of me was gone.
After I came home with the kids, Dakota saw his dad wasn't here, he said Where is my daddy at? I told him going back to Virginia where he lives and works. Dakota got very sad. I talked to him and told him that His Daddy loves him and when daddy can he will be back, but he has to go back cause thats just where he lives and works and this is where we live and you go to school at.
Then after dinner, Dakota said I don't like daddy, I love mommy. That made me very sad again. I don't know what to do to make him understand, I mean how do you make a 4 year old understand something like this?

Wanting you (a poem by me)

Sometimes I pray for you to die
Sometimes I pray for you to lie to me
and tell me you love me so
I know you would tell me no
If I asked.
I wish these feelings would just pass

Sometimes I want to kick your ass
Sometimes I want to laugh
Sometimes I want to die
and sometimes I just want to cry
Whatever the feeling I know you don't care.
So why do I bother?
I really don't know

a short note..

about yesterday..
Well we went to chuck e cheese and had lots of fun :) we had a salad bar, pizza, wings and a cake! Yummy! :)
Then we came back home and everyone got late christmas presents and the babies got TRICYCLES for their birthday :)

Gettin' ready to go to chuck E cheese

Soon I'll be leaving here going to take the kiddies to chuck E Cheese for the babys birthday with there father.
Things are going okay here with them here. Better than anyone had thought it would be.
Dakota loves that his daddy is here, i know though when the time comes tomorrow he is going to be sad.
I'll post more tonight if I have the chance. Not much else to tell at this momment.

Well Today is the day!

That my extranged husband comes for the babies birthday, which is tommrow. I'm kinda anxious and excited. I get to meet his G/f. I think they will last a long time and if the kiddies are going to start spending summers up there with them then I need to get to know this woman better and my kids do to.i want to see how she is with kids for myself. ya know?
i talk to her online and over the phone all the time and we get along great and she sounds really nice, she seems she is doing my husband a world of good. he is less bitchy then he use to be. He is starting to learn how to let things roll off his back . With me, we clashed like oil and water. Sometimes i wonder why we even gotten married in the first place.
I'm glad for him, i'm glad he found someone to make him happy. My mom asked me yesterday if I thought that it was a good idea for his g/f to come along i ssaid yes, I got to see for myself, i got to know she is a good person with kids. and she said, don't you think this will hurt the kids mind? I said no, if its alright for me to date guys and the kids to meet them i would be a hypocrit not to let them meet his current g/f . Plus, if they are going to be up there sometimes they are going to know. So what if its now. .. Dakota is anxious too he keeps on asking me when his daddy will be here..

That sounded like a musical train wreck...-Simon

That was absolutely horrid.-Simon
If you lifegaurd duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning.-Simon

Anxiety taking a seat at the wheel

Gr. I hate my Generalized Anxiety and Social Anxiety problems...thats why i love the internet..i've been feelin anxious all day thinking about the upcoming event on sunday, I meet my husband's new girlfriend. What will she think of me?
Wait a mintue? why do i care? I dunno..but i do. I want to be nice to them, but will i? I don't know how i'm going to act and thats enough to bring on an anxiety attack in and of itself.

My Friday Five

1. What was the last song you heard?Toxic- Britney spears (no i don't like it, but thats what was on the radio)

2. What were the last two movies you saw? Catch me if you can and Eight Crazy nights

3. What were the last three things you purchased? food from wendys, food from arbys, a soda from the machine at work. (do u see a pattern here? I love food!!)

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend? Clean my house, be nice to the ex and his G/F, sleep, enjoy my long weekend.

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?Mom,Dad,Ex and Belle and Robin (from my bipolar support group)

a quiz...

about mikasa

Grr. we are so understaffed its not even funny, no they are not hiring at the moment.
well lets see a few people is out on furlough, 3 people quit cause they got another job and one person this week got fired for being late for 6 times this year. and she was a good worker.
oh the New Security officer (wanna be cop) has to check everyone's IDS as they come in, he has to be able to see our ugly faces, he has been here a week and he should know who's who by now, he said its something he is ALWAYS going to do..i don't think this is very fair if your in a hurry. its STUPID in my opinion..but again what do lil ole me matter?

Nobody to Everybody

I'm all alone
and noone cares.
Noone Dares
ask me whats wrong
Ive been crying so long
everyone walks passed
doesn't say a thing
It lets me know they don't really care
I'm nobody to everybody.

Todays "COOL" Links

Go to: a Cool Blog to visit
Cool Jokes
Cool Quizes to take!

Theres not much to tell really. My other twin is now sick and Tre(the sickly one) is better and back to normal...oh the life of a mother to twins!
As you noticed, I added some links to the sidebar, some of them are my sites. Animosity is one i created out of total anger to my ex's email and i'm going to dedicate that site to emails I get that rattles my nerves. The other one labeled my kids is all about the latest on my kids...like when they are sick and updates on weight and stuff like that.
Thats about all there is to tell. :)

IGPAY atinlay

Ellohay, Iway on'tday owknay atwhay I'mway oingday upway atway
isthay ourhay utbay erehay Iway amway...I'mway usuallyway inway
edbay ybay ownay, utbay i'mway otnay. I'mway avinghay unfay
earninglay isthay igpay atinlay ingthay. Iway evernay ewknay
owhay otay oday itway untilway ownay, ownay i'mway ettinggay
itway!! Ancay anyoneway elseway understandway emay? Ifway ouyay
ancay eavelay emay away essagemay inway ymay ommentscay
ectionssay.
Eesay ouyay aterlay!!

Okay alot has been going on with me...............MY BOYFRIEND DUMPED ME.....Grr...Men, I hate men. But i'm okay now good and over him! He was a loser anyway come to think of it....
He had the audacity to tell me it was because of my kids!! How Dare Him! Thats okay I have bigger and better things to do then to give my heart away to him....
The Kiddies are STILL SICK well one of them anyway, the weakest and smallet of my three. His Immune system is lower than most babies.
Well I'll write in here again tommorrow, maybe..just maybe!! Hehe.

Romantic movie! You probably won't star in a porno
anytime soon. You seem to be really into the
whole "love" thing...romantic sex
with perfumed sheets and candles all over the
place. You're probably a hopeless romantic. You
value sex and respect your partner too much to
do anything like porn. AWWWWWW! <3


What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla

My FRIDAY FIVE.......

What was...

1. ...your first grade teacher's name? Ms. Batt and Then we moved and my teachers name was Ms. Carroll

2. ...your favorite Saturday morning cartoon? I use to like watching Fat Albert (remeber that? HayHayHay)

3. ...the name of your very first best friend?Stacey and she still is my very best friend!

4. ...your favorite breakfast cereal?Frosted Flakes

5. ...your favorite thing to do after school?It WAS To watch MTV and eat junk food.

My First rant!

Okay This is going to be short and Sweet, er maybe not so sweet.
I'm going to rant about WHY The Hell is Slow moving School Busses is Driving on the Interstate!
Yesterday going to work and Coming home I was stuck behind a 45 mph School bus. I mean lets not even start about the school bus being so old it needs to be put out of its Misery, lets not go there! But what I Do want to rant about, When I was growing up, School busses weren't allowed on the Interstate per the school board because they moved slower than the rest of the traffic. Now I'm getting Stuck behind these Slow moving Traps of Death!!
They need to use all the other roads where the speed limit is 45. not, where its 60 and 65 and people are rushing to get to work and then picking there kids up from daycare. You know my aunt said it best one day, "Slow people cause Wrecks not speeders." If everyone moved with the flow of traffic even if it means going 5 mph to 10 mph faster then the posted speed limit there would be less wrecks. Of course the people who does this should also be cautious for the elderly and newbies and those big traps of death that I described but any driver who has at least a years experience and some common sense on their shoulders should know how to do that...What is your opinion?

Wanting you

Sometimes I pray for you to die
Sometimes I pray for you to lie to me
and tell me you love me so
I know you would tell me no
If I asked.
I wish these feelings would just pass

Sometimes I want to kick your ass
Sometimes I want to laugh
Sometimes I want to die
and sometimes I just want to cry
Whatever the feeling I know you don't care.
So why do I bother?
I really don't know

oh what a day......

The longest Day on God's Green Earth is today. GRRR..
I've decided to come up with a plan for this blog instead of just a bunch of BS. Hehe
Monday will be Personal News and Updates
Tuesdays will be Poetry Tuesdays
Wednesdays Will be Ranting Wensdays where I pick a topic and Rant about it.
Thursdays will be Work Related Updates and News Plus One Cool Link :)
Friday's of course will be FridayFive
Sound Good?
I'll add this info on the sidebar just a little too busy right this second.
Got tons of stuff to do with this damn house and the kids.

Quiz TIME

I tashte like Alcohol. Heh. Heh. I taste like beer. I like beer. Buy me a beer. I'm not drunk, I can drink plenty without... What was I saying? Beer. What Flavour Are You?

and ANOTHER............

I'm the limerick, mired in muck. I refuse to be bored or get stuck.    I like to offend,    But not, in the end, As much as to thwart expectations. What Poetry Form Are You?